a series of events that in some way chronicle my summer.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Better.
I think the aspirin did the trick, so I can kinda think now.
I feel like this blog o mine sort of chronicles my life as an anxsty teen and how I feel I'm changing. So I wonder a few things about myself in relation to this blog.
How long will I keep it up? It seems slightly unrealistic I'll still have it senior year, but if I do, I wonder what I'll think looking back at previous posts. And I wonder who will have read it, and if anybody will have cared. And will my thought process be the same as it is now? It isn't the same as it was a year ago. I definitely don't care so much about my image. Well, I do to a certain extent, but not in the same way I used to. Like for instance, I know so many people who freak out about their first day of school outfit. And on the first day, everyone is wearing their back to school clothes, and it's the most stylish day of the year because everyone is trying to make an impression. But impressions of peoples' style aren't made in one day. In fact, nobody is going to remember that outfit a week later, especially since it was the first day of school, and everyone is focused on other things. But if you consistently wear stylish things, people will probs notice. So I don't really care what I look like on the first day. I will wear something that will be part of my process.
What do you think of that, senior me?
I feel like this blog o mine sort of chronicles my life as an anxsty teen and how I feel I'm changing. So I wonder a few things about myself in relation to this blog.
How long will I keep it up? It seems slightly unrealistic I'll still have it senior year, but if I do, I wonder what I'll think looking back at previous posts. And I wonder who will have read it, and if anybody will have cared. And will my thought process be the same as it is now? It isn't the same as it was a year ago. I definitely don't care so much about my image. Well, I do to a certain extent, but not in the same way I used to. Like for instance, I know so many people who freak out about their first day of school outfit. And on the first day, everyone is wearing their back to school clothes, and it's the most stylish day of the year because everyone is trying to make an impression. But impressions of peoples' style aren't made in one day. In fact, nobody is going to remember that outfit a week later, especially since it was the first day of school, and everyone is focused on other things. But if you consistently wear stylish things, people will probs notice. So I don't really care what I look like on the first day. I will wear something that will be part of my process.
What do you think of that, senior me?
Pained.
SPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHE
Friday, August 27, 2010
Ready.
This year is going to start off very different. Because here I am, this completely different person than I was a year ago. And I have these friends- so many I'm completely comfortable with, and some I'm not. And I know where I stand, I know what I may be or may not be good at. I don't have to prove myself, because I already did that last year as I (and the rest of us freshmen) figured out what was going on with this high school thing. I'm not a freshman. (damn.)
So what's the problem then? Well I have this thing about people liking me. I really want people to like me. It bothers me when I find that people dislike me, or when I just have a hunch that they don't like me, or sometimes when people like my best friends more than they like me. I know I shouldn't worry about it, and I always hear "not everyone is going to like you".
Why not?! I want them to.
They won't. They don't.
It's okay.
(they should.)
So what's the problem then? Well I have this thing about people liking me. I really want people to like me. It bothers me when I find that people dislike me, or when I just have a hunch that they don't like me, or sometimes when people like my best friends more than they like me. I know I shouldn't worry about it, and I always hear "not everyone is going to like you".
Why not?! I want them to.
They won't. They don't.
It's okay.
(they should.)
Invisible.
Take a look at the invisible girl
Here she is clear as the day
Please look closely and find her before
She fades away
...
How relevant am I?
Here she is clear as the day
Please look closely and find her before
She fades away
...
How relevant am I?
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Closure.
Two girls sit next to each other at the end of a small peir, looking out across the lake. Rebecca clutches her knees to her chest, shivering. Sarah is relaxed, her toes in the water, looking up at the night sky. Rebecca doesn't look at Sarah.
Sarah: (whining) Can we go back to the cabin already, Becca? I'm getting bug bites the size of your tits.
(Rebecca shifts her weight, but does not look at Sarah, keeping her eyes fixed downward.)
Sarah: Come on Becca. I'm trying to make this less awkward.
(pause.)
Please look at me.
(pause.)
Becca.
(She turns to face her directly)
Becca, talk!
Rebecca: (quietly) I'm not ready.
Sarah: Becs, whether you're ready or not, this happened. You're gonna have to face it! We're gonna have to face it.
Rebecca: Why are you pushing me? (holding her head) You shouldn't even be here.
Sarah: We have to talk about this, it isn't going to go away- you're my best friend...
Rebecca: (sadly) You were my best friend.
Sarah: I guess that's a start. (turns back out to the water.) So I guess you feel bad about Ian now.
Rebecca: Obviously.
Sarah: I mean it's okay, you know I would have gotten over him anyway. And it's not like it would have been a long lasting relationship. (laughs bitterly)
Rebecca: (turns to Sarah, tears forming) I'm so sorry.
Sarah: What are you sorry for?
Rebecca: Everything. I wasn't there when I should've been. You needed me, and I was too busy thinking about myself.
Sarah: I only went after Ian because I needed someone to be there for me, to talk to. I wasn't trying to take anything away from you.
Rebecca: Instead, I took it from you.
Sarah: I shouldn't have needed him.
Rebecca: You never needed anyone. You should've needed me! I was your best friend, and you never let me in. How was I supposed to know your parents were splitting up? You never told me any of that.
Sarah: Splitting up is an understatement-
Rebecca: You never told me.
Sarah: I tried to. I didn't know how, I'm not good with...serious.
Rebecca: And yet you're the one making me do this.
Sarah: If I didn't, time would.
Rebecca: You should've needed me.
Sarah: Is that why you started ignoring me? You thought I didn't need you?
Rebecca: I've always been in your shadow! You used to make me feel special, you told me everything. And I was the quiet girl everyone couldn't beleive was your best friend. I was so... happy. Just to be your best friend. And then you stopped telling me things, and you closed up... what was I supposed to do? I didn't know how to reach out to you.
Sarah: I called you, I told you I needed to talk...
Rebecca: You had other chances to talk to me!
Sarah: So I went after Ian.
Rebecca: Even though you knew I liked him.
Sarah: I'm lesbian.
(Rebecca glares at her)
(Sarah laughs)
It was worth a shot.
Rebecca: Is this really the time for that?
Sarah: I told you I wasn't good with serious.
Rebecca: (frustrated) why do you keep using the past tense?
Sarah: (calmly) Because this... it's gone, Becs.
(Rebecca looks at Sarah)
Rebecca: It's done.
Sarah: I don't blame you for anything. Just forgive me, I'll leave.
(Rebecca puts her head on Sarah's shoulder)
Rebecca: Don't leave.
Sarah: I have to. You'll forget my voice, what I look like... then you won't be able to imagine me anymore...
Rebecca: I'll never forget. You're my best friend.
Sarah: I was your best friend.
Rebecca: (looking down) You were my best friend.
Sarah: You meant the world to me, you know.
Rebecca: You did too.
Sarah: If I were still alive, we would've worked it out, you know.
Rebecca: (smiles sadly at Sarah) I have to believe that.
Sarah: You do.
Sarah: (whining) Can we go back to the cabin already, Becca? I'm getting bug bites the size of your tits.
(Rebecca shifts her weight, but does not look at Sarah, keeping her eyes fixed downward.)
Sarah: Come on Becca. I'm trying to make this less awkward.
(pause.)
Please look at me.
(pause.)
Becca.
(She turns to face her directly)
Becca, talk!
Rebecca: (quietly) I'm not ready.
Sarah: Becs, whether you're ready or not, this happened. You're gonna have to face it! We're gonna have to face it.
Rebecca: Why are you pushing me? (holding her head) You shouldn't even be here.
Sarah: We have to talk about this, it isn't going to go away- you're my best friend...
Rebecca: (sadly) You were my best friend.
Sarah: I guess that's a start. (turns back out to the water.) So I guess you feel bad about Ian now.
Rebecca: Obviously.
Sarah: I mean it's okay, you know I would have gotten over him anyway. And it's not like it would have been a long lasting relationship. (laughs bitterly)
Rebecca: (turns to Sarah, tears forming) I'm so sorry.
Sarah: What are you sorry for?
Rebecca: Everything. I wasn't there when I should've been. You needed me, and I was too busy thinking about myself.
Sarah: I only went after Ian because I needed someone to be there for me, to talk to. I wasn't trying to take anything away from you.
Rebecca: Instead, I took it from you.
Sarah: I shouldn't have needed him.
Rebecca: You never needed anyone. You should've needed me! I was your best friend, and you never let me in. How was I supposed to know your parents were splitting up? You never told me any of that.
Sarah: Splitting up is an understatement-
Rebecca: You never told me.
Sarah: I tried to. I didn't know how, I'm not good with...serious.
Rebecca: And yet you're the one making me do this.
Sarah: If I didn't, time would.
Rebecca: You should've needed me.
Sarah: Is that why you started ignoring me? You thought I didn't need you?
Rebecca: I've always been in your shadow! You used to make me feel special, you told me everything. And I was the quiet girl everyone couldn't beleive was your best friend. I was so... happy. Just to be your best friend. And then you stopped telling me things, and you closed up... what was I supposed to do? I didn't know how to reach out to you.
Sarah: I called you, I told you I needed to talk...
Rebecca: You had other chances to talk to me!
Sarah: So I went after Ian.
Rebecca: Even though you knew I liked him.
Sarah: I'm lesbian.
(Rebecca glares at her)
(Sarah laughs)
It was worth a shot.
Rebecca: Is this really the time for that?
Sarah: I told you I wasn't good with serious.
Rebecca: (frustrated) why do you keep using the past tense?
Sarah: (calmly) Because this... it's gone, Becs.
(Rebecca looks at Sarah)
Rebecca: It's done.
Sarah: I don't blame you for anything. Just forgive me, I'll leave.
(Rebecca puts her head on Sarah's shoulder)
Rebecca: Don't leave.
Sarah: I have to. You'll forget my voice, what I look like... then you won't be able to imagine me anymore...
Rebecca: I'll never forget. You're my best friend.
Sarah: I was your best friend.
Rebecca: (looking down) You were my best friend.
Sarah: You meant the world to me, you know.
Rebecca: You did too.
Sarah: If I were still alive, we would've worked it out, you know.
Rebecca: (smiles sadly at Sarah) I have to believe that.
Sarah: You do.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
