Entertained.

This isn't worth a blog post at all... but who could i brag to about this? It doesn't make any sense, but I'm proud.
The other week I was watching Shawshank Redemption, and one of the posters Andy uses to cover the hole in the wall is of Raquel Welch. Well, I had this hunch that I knew who that was and before I even THOUGHT about it, I said to the person next to me (who was Ari or someone) "She was an actress. She's in One Million B.C. or something." I remembered the name Raquel Welch from a framed movie poster in my aunt/uncles' movie theatre room. One Million Years B.C. Super awesome.

Done.

"Promise me you'll never forget me, because if I thought you would I'd never leave."

-Winnie the Pooh

Nervous.

So but then what if...? And will I...? And is this...? And does he...?

I guess this is why it feels more natural to just chill out outwardly as it eats me inside.
A bruise? It's funny. It's that kind of painful where it almost feels like muscle soreness, but it stings just a little too much to feel good.
Stomach flips-just a glance at a word or a face.
The nails have some time... but if it doesn't work this time, it will be on to red, and purple won't have fulfilled the hopes associated with it.
And I'm not going to say anything. Unfortunately. Goodnight though.

Festive.

Wow. okay. I should definitely stop. NOW. Actually. This is ridiculous.

On another note-
I have a great feeling about this holiday season. :). I don't know why, but after watching Love Actually, I'm just super excited about the HOLIDAYS! Which is silly because it's prior to Halloween... but I don't know.

I've got to have my Buddha's Delight.

Trapped.

i'm stupid. die.

Held.

Enveloped in your arms, I’d love to stay forever

Promise to keep me close, and we can be together

I love the way your face looks when you’re surpirised

I love the way I feel when you compliment my eyes

There aren’t many things I want in life but you’re one I want the most

Please just don’t disappear

‘Cause I’m afraid of ghosts.

And I can feel my skin rising from my bones

And I feel scared and all alone

And I can feel the wind ripping through my hair

I look around and you’re not there.

But you don’t know, I’m singing in my bedroom about you

Look, here I am without you

And where are you now that I’d love to see your face and

How am I supposed to sleep with all this noise?

If there’s no more you can be

I just want you to hold me.

Positive.

I'm so happy for this year! I mean, maybe it has to do with me being a year older and I've changed. Maybe it's more that I'm not seen as a freshman. Maybe it has something to do with the social dynamics this year that I like so much. I don't know. But I am sure this is going to be a good year and I can't WAIT for things to just get STARTED. blarggghH!! The first two weeks are the hardest. that's what I think. Although, it seems like the beginning of the year a lot of the times is the calm before the storm. I thought that it might last year just have been that I didn't know what was going on with peoples' lives at the beginning of the year, but now that I know everybody better, I think it's actually just that the beginning of the year brings a low tide of dramatic issues with everyone. I LIKE IT. I'M SO EXCITED FOR THIS YEAR.

Altered.

So, the first day of school.
I like my schedule, I do. I have friends in most classes and I like my teachers well enough. But math classes and I are like oil and vinegar. In my math class, the only people I know are two girls I used to be very close with in middle school. They have since lost all interesting qualities they once possessed. So, I'm stuck in a front row seat surrounded by guys I don't know and wishing I could be the person that I am when I am comfortable and in my element. Then I realized... when am I ever in my element? There is always something to worry about. And then I realized, I'm never the person I wish I could be- confident and laid back all the time, someone that doesn't have to hide behind her sarcasm when interacting with people she cares about. Someone who wishes she could describe herself as all these things in the first person instead of using the third.
But maybe we all have an alter ego we wish we could be. And only people like Beyonce actually succeed in becoming them. Mine is called Marin Costello. And everybody likes her.

Memorable.

a series of events that in some way chronicle my summer.

Better.

I think the aspirin did the trick, so I can kinda think now.
I feel like this blog o mine sort of chronicles my life as an anxsty teen and how I feel I'm changing. So I wonder a few things about myself in relation to this blog.
How long will I keep it up? It seems slightly unrealistic I'll still have it senior year, but if I do, I wonder what I'll think looking back at previous posts. And I wonder who will have read it, and if anybody will have cared. And will my thought process be the same as it is now? It isn't the same as it was a year ago. I definitely don't care so much about my image. Well, I do to a certain extent, but not in the same way I used to. Like for instance, I know so many people who freak out about their first day of school outfit. And on the first day, everyone is wearing their back to school clothes, and it's the most stylish day of the year because everyone is trying to make an impression. But impressions of peoples' style aren't made in one day. In fact, nobody is going to remember that outfit a week later, especially since it was the first day of school, and everyone is focused on other things. But if you consistently wear stylish things, people will probs notice. So I don't really care what I look like on the first day. I will wear something that will be part of my process.
What do you think of that, senior me?

Pained.

SPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHESPLITTING HEADACHE

Ready.

This year is going to start off very different. Because here I am, this completely different person than I was a year ago. And I have these friends- so many I'm completely comfortable with, and some I'm not. And I know where I stand, I know what I may be or may not be good at. I don't have to prove myself, because I already did that last year as I (and the rest of us freshmen) figured out what was going on with this high school thing. I'm not a freshman. (damn.)
So what's the problem then? Well I have this thing about people liking me. I really want people to like me. It bothers me when I find that people dislike me, or when I just have a hunch that they don't like me, or sometimes when people like my best friends more than they like me. I know I shouldn't worry about it, and I always hear "not everyone is going to like you".
Why not?! I want them to.
They won't. They don't.
It's okay.









(they should.)

Invisible.

Take a look at the invisible girl
Here she is clear as the day
Please look closely and find her before
She fades away

...

How relevant am I?

Closure.

Two girls sit next to each other at the end of a small peir, looking out across the lake. Rebecca clutches her knees to her chest, shivering. Sarah is relaxed, her toes in the water, looking up at the night sky. Rebecca doesn't look at Sarah.
Sarah: (whining) Can we go back to the cabin already, Becca? I'm getting bug bites the size of your tits.
(Rebecca shifts her weight, but does not look at Sarah, keeping her eyes fixed downward.)
Sarah: Come on Becca. I'm trying to make this less awkward.
(pause.)
Please look at me.
(pause.)
Becca.
(She turns to face her directly)
Becca, talk!
Rebecca: (quietly) I'm not ready.
Sarah: Becs, whether you're ready or not, this happened. You're gonna have to face it! We're gonna have to face it.
Rebecca: Why are you pushing me? (holding her head) You shouldn't even be here.
Sarah: We have to talk about this, it isn't going to go away- you're my best friend...
Rebecca: (sadly) You were my best friend.
Sarah: I guess that's a start. (turns back out to the water.) So I guess you feel bad about Ian now.
Rebecca: Obviously.
Sarah: I mean it's okay, you know I would have gotten over him anyway. And it's not like it would have been a long lasting relationship. (laughs bitterly)
Rebecca: (turns to Sarah, tears forming) I'm so sorry.
Sarah: What are you sorry for?
Rebecca: Everything. I wasn't there when I should've been. You needed me, and I was too busy thinking about myself.
Sarah: I only went after Ian because I needed someone to be there for me, to talk to. I wasn't trying to take anything away from you.
Rebecca: Instead, I took it from you.
Sarah: I shouldn't have needed him.
Rebecca: You never needed anyone. You should've needed me! I was your best friend, and you never let me in. How was I supposed to know your parents were splitting up? You never told me any of that.
Sarah: Splitting up is an understatement-
Rebecca: You never told me.
Sarah: I tried to. I didn't know how, I'm not good with...serious.
Rebecca: And yet you're the one making me do this.
Sarah: If I didn't, time would.
Rebecca: You should've needed me.
Sarah: Is that why you started ignoring me? You thought I didn't need you?
Rebecca: I've always been in your shadow! You used to make me feel special, you told me everything. And I was the quiet girl everyone couldn't beleive was your best friend. I was so... happy. Just to be your best friend. And then you stopped telling me things, and you closed up... what was I supposed to do? I didn't know how to reach out to you.
Sarah: I called you, I told you I needed to talk...
Rebecca: You had other chances to talk to me!
Sarah: So I went after Ian.
Rebecca: Even though you knew I liked him.
Sarah: I'm lesbian.
(Rebecca glares at her)
(Sarah laughs)
It was worth a shot.
Rebecca: Is this really the time for that?
Sarah: I told you I wasn't good with serious.
Rebecca: (frustrated) why do you keep using the past tense?
Sarah: (calmly) Because this... it's gone, Becs.
(Rebecca looks at Sarah)
Rebecca: It's done.
Sarah: I don't blame you for anything. Just forgive me, I'll leave.
(Rebecca puts her head on Sarah's shoulder)
Rebecca: Don't leave.
Sarah: I have to. You'll forget my voice, what I look like... then you won't be able to imagine me anymore...
Rebecca: I'll never forget. You're my best friend.
Sarah: I was your best friend.
Rebecca: (looking down) You were my best friend.
Sarah: You meant the world to me, you know.
Rebecca: You did too.
Sarah: If I were still alive, we would've worked it out, you know.
Rebecca: (smiles sadly at Sarah) I have to believe that.
Sarah: You do.

Back!

So I think I'm going to start this again.

when i have something more interesting to say.

Endings.

So.
My freshman year. It's wrapping up.
Working on this show was... indescribable. Not because it was so mind-blowingly awesome that i can't describe it, but because even during the times when i was bored or conflicted or jealous during this process, i wanted to be there.

I didn't really know that it was possible to meet people and then hang out with them for a little while and over the span of like a week or two become really good friends with them.

And I didn't even really feel the whole competition thing between me and her. It was just natural. Because I love her and she loves me and we're weird but we go together.

And now that its over.... who knows what will happen. I'm in the mood for a pumpkin. Like really.

Answer.

So that's that.

Face.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr this sucks.

Tomorrow.

Plateau.

I've reached one. I don't mind waiting so much anymore. It's like a routine, and thinking about it is too. Plans, strategies... I've made them, so now when I think about them, there is nothing new to go over. So I don't think about it so much. I still do a lot. But much less. Much much less. But still. Get back here already.

Leash.

So, I saw two kids on leashes while at the Monteray Bay Aquarium yesterday. They were from entirely different families and they had the exact same leash which had a brown stuffed monkey on the back.
If you are going to go so far as to put your child on a leash, you should pay attention to what they're doing and not treat them like a dog that is on a leash that can take care of itself.
However, while I'm innocently watchin' some fish, the little asian girl-on-a-leash comes running in front of me and her leash wraps around my legs. The father stands there and takes pictures of a starfish.
HOW CAN YOU NOT CONTROL YOUR CHILD? THEY ARE ALREADY ON A FRIKKIN LEASH!!!

Idle.

She sat beneath the tree and looked up at the sky. She didn't know what type of tree it was, nor did it matter. It filled the air with the scent of plant as a warm breeze blew by, twirling her hair. The moon seemed brighter here. It bathed everything in a shimmering white light. She was at complete peace. she was as much a part of the landscape as the cool grass, the thick forest behind her, or the stars yawning in the distant charcoal sky. A tall, peeling tree trunk sat beside her, blending easily with the forest. One would not normally marvel at the tree. It was very ordinary- it took up space, and provided a specific band of shade during the day, added to the lurking shadows during the night. It was nice to look at, because it was a healthy tree with bark and leaves, but it was not important. It was the type of tree that would not matter until it was cut down- once gone, it would leave a gaping hole in its surroundings, a missing band of shade, a slightly smaller group of shadows. The girl was like the tree. Her hair did not shine, her skin did not glow in the soft light of the moon. Her eyes didn't glisten with the curiosity of a woodland nymph, and her face was not a flawless canvas of creamy skin. Sitting beneath that tree that night, bathed in moonlight and dried with shadows- one might not even see her had they passed by this small section of the forest. But were she gone, the little clearing would not be someone's little clearing. It would not be the warm, peaceful happy place of a young woman. She got up to leave- she didn't want to go, but the night did not last forever. She would leave the scene, a character missing from a story- but she would be back. It didn't matter how long she would be gone- it only mattered that she would return.

Pebble.

I'm off to Santa Cruz. And when I get back it will still be break and I'll still have homework to do and people to see. And still... I know what I'll be thinking about every day. And I don't like waiting. It gives me too much time to over-analyze.

But Actually...

If you are having a bad day, this is more likely to cheer you up. I know I thought it was hilarious.
www.safenow.org

Having a bad day?

THE NEXT TIME YOU THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY:

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned out section of
forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male
was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back,
flippers, and facemask. A post-mortem revealed that the person died not from
burns, but from massive internal injuries.

Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set
about to determine how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest
fire. It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the person went for a
diving trip off the coast some 20 miles from the forest. The firefighters,
seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of
helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and
then flown to the forest fire and emptied.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the
Pacific, the next he was doing the breaststroke in a fire dip bucket 300
feet in the air. Apparently he extinguished exactly 5'10" of the
fire. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

This article was taken from the California Examiner, March 20, 1998.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

STILL THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY?

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the
kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle when it
accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the
handlebars, was dragged through the glass patio doors and along with the
motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the
crash, ran into the dining room and found her husband lying on the floor,
cut and bleeding, the motorcycle lying next to him, and the shattered patio
door.

The wife ran to the phone and summoned the ambulance. Because they lived
on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of stairs to
the street to escort the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance
arrived and transported the man to the hospital, the wife
uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside.

Seeing that gas was spilled on the floor, the wife got some paper towels,
blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The man was
treated and released to come home. Upon arriving home, he looked at the
shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became
despondent, went to the bathroom, sat down on the
toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped
it between his legs into the toilet bowl while seated. The wife, who was
in the kitchen, heard the loud explosion and her husband screaming. She
ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers
had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of
his legs, and his groin.

The wife again ran to the phone to call the ambulance. The very same
paramedic crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The
paramedics loaded the husband onto the stretcher and began carrying him to
the street.

While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the
wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned
himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of
them slipped and tipped the stretcher, dumping the husband out. He fell down
the remaining stairs and broke his arm.

Taken from a Florida Newspaper.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

STILL HAVING A BAD DAY?

Just remember, it could be worse.....

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill
in Alaska was $8,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively
saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers
and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer
whale ate them both.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Synapse.

I wish I could get out of my head. I'm going to have to, because there is nothing I can do for the next week and a half or so...
Another thing. Why is it that all some people do is complain? They don't look at their problems with the view of an outsider and realize how unimportant this complaint is? 'Yes, I'm sorry you feel hurt. But do you realize that you have hurt him/them much more than he/they have hurt you? YOU DON'T OWN HIM.' I want to say.

So um... it kind of sucks how often my mind wanders back to this. Why is it so hard to figure out how someone feels? It always is. Although, I do tend to assume people don't think much of me. So, maybe I'm psyching myself out. Maybe I'm being a goon. How long is four hours and twenty two minutes? It seems like a substantial amount of time to me.

Oh crap. Are they taking my bunny? Crapcrapcrapcrapcrap. I think my parents are giving my pet bunny away to my neighbors. Crapppp they didn't tell me they were actually doing that! Maybe they aren't. Grrrrrr.

Bungee.

I've been building a new perspective. I try to express myself and my new way of thinking- I obviously don't always succeed. But here I am, enjoying myself. The year is, it seems, almost over. I've grown a physical inch, and a few mental/emotional yards. I almost want to suspend myself in time, and let this year stretch on forever... the one thing I always reprimand myself for is not putting myself out there enough. But I am putting myself out there. I just want to put myself further out there. And further. And further. And I'm bound to fall at some point... so I'll just hope I'm attached to a harness when it happens.